From a Christian married couple... The
writing team of this Web site occasionally hears from
Christian men who are hurting because their wives are
sexually unavailable to them, or from Christian women who
are hurting because of their husbands’ involvement with
pornography. There seems to be great confusion as to what
God requires of husbands and wives, and what part our
spouses’ failures play in our own temptations. We all
seem to be interested in hearing what the Bible has to say
to our spouses. Let the Holy Spirit
convict your spouse of any failed responsibilities.
Copyright 2000
by eXXit
Husbands
and Wives and the Grace of God
----One
of the team members and his wife would like to share with
you a little of what we’ve learned in 28 years of
marriage. We both know what it is like to hurt and be hurt
by the one we love. We know what it is like to fail each
other and to feel the guilt and pain that involves. We also
know what it is like to be forgiven by God and by each
other. There is nothing like it. Without the grace of God at
work in our marriage, we would not be able to say after 28
years that we are each other’s best friend and that our
marriage is one of God’s greatest gifts to us both. We
have learned and are still learning to love each other
unconditionally.
Focus on your
biblical responsibilities, not your spouse's.
Some of the best advice
we’ve heard in regard to this is to "read your own
mail.” Yes, the Bible tells wives to be subject to
their husbands and respect them (Ephesians 5:22-24 and 33,
Colossians 3:18), to be submissive to them (1 Peter 3:1-6).
It tells husbands to love their wives sacrificially
(Ephesians 5:25-33, Colossians 3:19) and to treat them with
understanding and honor. (1 Peter 3:7). It tells husbands
and wives to come together and fulfill our "marital duty" so
as not to deprive each other (1 Corinthians 7:1-6) Both
husbands and wives sin when we disobey these Biblical
instructions. We may also be tempted to sin when we read our
spouse's "mail" from God instead of our own and conclude
that we can't obey if our spouse doesn't.
God has not given us the
responsibility to convict our spouse of sin and change his
or her heart to bring about obedience. That is the work of
the Holy Spirit. He has, however, given us the
responsibility of learning what he requires of us and then
obeying him by faith. This involves more than just changing
our outward behavior. It involves repenting of our sin and
selfishness and praying that God will change our hearts so
that we want to obey out of love for him and our spouse.
Meantime treat
your spouse the way God treats you — with grace.
Yes, our spouse’s sin may
cause us pain and may even increase our vulnerability to
temptation.
----Nevertheless
we are called to resist Satan’s tempting schemes, and
we alone are accountable for our sin when we don’t. For
some men this will mean resisting the temptation of
pornography, which may be leading you to deprive a willing
wife. For others it may mean resisting the porn trap even if
you feel that your wife is depriving you. For some women it
means resisting the temptation to withhold forgiveness
and/or sexual relations from a husband whose behavior has
been hurtful.
----For
all of us it means remembering that God, in his grace, has
not treated us as we deserved to be treated. We are called
to extend the same grace to each other (Psalm 103:9 and 10,
Ephesians 4:32). By God’s grace and the empowering of
his Holy Spirit, we can joyfully seek to meet each
other’s needs without first taking inventory of our
own.